Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize