see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
