everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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