Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
