is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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