i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
