i can't believe i had my finger in that
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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