Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
