a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
