Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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