My friends, they love my intelligence
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
