im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
