What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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