dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize