The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
