Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
