this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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