I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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