A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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