just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
