Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Someone came in the potted fern
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
