U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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