One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
