I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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