During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
