Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
