It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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