The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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