i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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