what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Randomize
