Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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