just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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