everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize