dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
