Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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