last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I deserve this hangover.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
