Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
