shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
