I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
