and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
