i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
