Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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