Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
