You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
