I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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