i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
