I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
