Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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