I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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