HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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