She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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