NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If I die, sorry about rent.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
