drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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