jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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