there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
