He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
