id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
