well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Randomize
