Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
