I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
