Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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