Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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