walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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