I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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