textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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