Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
