my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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