then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize