I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
