you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
40s are totally the cure
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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