Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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