she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
