my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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