I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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